Are You a Needy or High Maintenance Parent?by Kori Rodley Irons | More from this Blogger 05 Aug 2007 08:02 PM The other day one of my daughters was talking about one her friend's parents and she referred to her as being "high maintenance." I had to ask her what that meant? What does it mean when a parent is considered "high maintenance" by a seventeen-year-old? She said, "You know, it's like she's needy--she needs to be all involved and re-living her life through her kid." This got me to thinking about healthy boundaries and how tough it can be to find that healthy balance between involvement and over-involvement--especially in today's youth-centered culture. I definitely know of parents who get their identity through the activities of their children. But I hadn't really thought of how this might be felt as "needy" by a child. I suppose that if a child knows that mom or dad is really invested in what the child is doing (sports, activities, grades, etc.) then he will feel like he is responsible for the parent's happiness. After all, if he quits playing soccer and mom is really wrapped up in her role as the parent of a soccer player--he's letting her down and taking away a big hunk of her identity. That is a lot of unnecessary pressure to put on a child. Any time we make our children feel like they are somehow responsible for taking care of our emotional needs, we are violating healthy boundaries. Now, this doesn't mean that we shouldn't expect our children to be thoughtful and learn some empathy, not to mention have general respect for us--but we really can't expect them to look after our feelings and tend to our self-esteem or identity needs. It is our job as adults to tend to our own self-esteem and personal emotional needs so we aren't putting them off on our kids. We all know the stereotype of the "stage parent" who is so focused on what the child is doing and pushing and shoving them into the limelight. It can take some serious self-evaluation to determine if we are being encouraging and supporting of our child's life and interests, or if we are getting our own personal needs met THROUGH the life of our child. Also: Offering Guidance to Our Kids, Not Criticism Why Dealing With Our Kids' Feelings Can Be Difficult Parents, Watch the Nonverbal Messages You Send Your Kids Learn more about Kori Rodley Irons  Bio has been removed by administrator Relevantparenting tags User Comments No comments on this article yet. Be the first to comment! Community Tags boundaries, emotions, needy Discuss this article
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