Children and Aging Parents--Are You Caring for Both?

by Kori Rodley Irons | More from this Blogger

19 Jan 2007 04:11 PM

Increasingly, some adults are finding themselves stuck in the middle as part of the "sandwich club"--caring both for their own young children and their aging parents or grandparents. With the responsibility for managing a household, often working full time, and caring for the generations on either side of them, these people can be overwhelmed, over stressed, and stretched so thinly, they could snap!

Many of these individuals in the sandwich club are older parents--adults who waited to have their own children until they were in their late thirties or early forties, or perhaps they themselves were born to older parents. Trying to juggle teacher-parent conferences, household chores, work obligations and managing the health or personal issues that arise with aging parents means the pressure of multiple issues from multiple sources.

Unfortunately, these sandwich stresses are not equally distributed between the genders. I attended an educational workshop a few months ago, where the aging specialist shared that elderly adults want the eldest daughter as their first choice of caregiver should they need it, and their second choice is for the female spouse of a son. Gender obviously dictates who becomes a caregiver, over blood relationships! So, women are the predominant caregivers in many families--both for the children and for the aging parents. Since most women with families also work outside the home now--you've got the recipe for stress and burn out.

If you are one of these courageous and hardy women, it is important to get support and help in order to stay grounded. At the same workshop, the speaker recommended finding a support group and scheduling in regular appointments and activities for self care--this included exercise, outings out with friends, taking a class--things that refuel and rejuvenate. She also suggested that these people need to learn when to stamp their feet and fight--with doctors, teachers, coaches, etc. and when to just let things go. Just like with parenting, she advised, that these hardworking individuals have to learn to pick their battles and let things go if they can't be solved.

Finally, she advised that members of the sandwich club use one rule for both their children and their aging parents--not to do anything for anyone that they could do themselves. This goes for kids, spouses, and parents. She stressed that women are socialized to be caregivers and do, do, do--when there are multiple people for us to care for, we can really overdo it--so if you are caring for multiple generations, try not to take on more than you have to!

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Julie Gentry (5915) 19 Jan 2007 07:42 PM

We're there, and yes, I'm the oldest girl. Most of the time, it's a really good thing to have the three generations living together. I can't imagine working outside the home and taking care of two generations.

I don't agree with the speaker that our caregiving comes from being socialized. Women are natural caregivers. This doesn't mean, however, that they ought to be bearing all the burden! We have been training our oldest son from birth that he'll be the one taking care of us when the time comes :-). In days of old, THAT'S why the oldest son got the lion's share of the inheritance - because he was expected to carry the burden of aging parents.

Andrea Hermitt (5664) 19 Jan 2007 10:46 PM

Chances are Julie, that it will be your sons wife doing the lions share of the work, while your son provides financial support for you and your family. As the wife of the oldest son in a traditional Jamaican family, I often feel pressed on both sides... they don't live with us, but are moving close by and demand our attention.

I will try to remember to not over cater to everyones needs. I don't want wear myself out and then have my kids taking care of me at too young an age.