Do You Take Your Kids to Funerals?

by Michele Cheplic | More from this Blogger

30 Jun 2009 11:04 PM

I was asked that question last week by a friend whose second cousin unexpectedly passed away from cancer. She was debating whether or not she should bring her preschooler and toddler along to the funeral or leave them with a sitter.

My answer: It depends on whose funeral it is.

For example, I would, without question, have my preschool daughter attend the funeral of any member of our immediate family. And by immediate family I mean my own parents, siblings, and grandparents, in addition to cousins, aunts and uncles.

It is inconceivable to me that she would not be present at their final farewells. What's more, I would be shocked if my brothers and cousins didn't bring their children as well.

On the other hand, I wouldn't consider bringing my preschooler along to a funeral for my boss or other acquaintance that she didn't know very well.

But that's just me. If you want to know where childhood experts stand on the issue of bringing young children to funerals, then you might appreciate this tidbit I found online:

"Not that many years ago, children were kept from funerals and burials. The theory was that it was more than they could handle emotionally. That's been debunked, though, as researchers and clinicians came to realize that those children felt they had been excluded from the family and cut off from their own grieving process," says Barbara F. Meltz.

Basically, there's no clear-cut "right" answer.

My beloved grandmother is 94 years old and near death. I would not think of attending her funeral without my daughter. And not just because my daughter is one of my grandmother's favorite people on the face of the Earth or that the two share a bond that defies words, but by attending her funeral my daughter will be given the chance to see "other-side grandma" free of the wheelchair and tubes that restrict her every move. It will also give her the opportunity to say goodbye to a woman who loved her unconditionally.

Family funerals are for family - and that includes my daughter, regardless of her age.

Do you bring your kids to funerals?

Learn more about Michele Cheplic

Michele Cheplic was born and raised in Hilo, Hawaii, but now lives in Wisconsin. Michele graduated from the University of Wisconsin-Madison with a degree in Journalism.

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ruthann8 (6378) 01 Jul 2009 06:55 AM

My grandmother past away a few months ago. My toddler came with us. And of course during the service she didn't understand that she need to sit and not play so a friend took her to the nursery so I could stay. My husband couldn't assist b/c he was a casket bearer. I do agree that family funerals are for family and that includes all ages. Most of the time it is hard to find a sitter anyway b/c all your trusted sitters would be attending the funeral.

Michele Cheplic (37339) 03 Jul 2009 04:57 AM

I agree Ruth Ann, plus, with family funerals parents with young children are in the same boat, and I know for a fact that my grandmother would be horrified (despite being dead) if my dd didn't attend her funeral. I'm sure yours would feel the same way.

Andrea Hermitt (5507) 07 Jul 2009 09:47 AM

I have only taken my kids to the funerals of close family members. I have offered them the opportunity to go to others, but they have declined. At 13 and 15, they can make their own decision.

Michele Cheplic (37339) 09 Jul 2009 05:47 AM

I agree that age plays a huge factor, as does the deceased person's relationship to the child. Though, thinking back, my parents ALWAYS made us attend funerals, saying that we needed to pay our respects regardless of how well we knew the person.