Gay Parents: Less Than Optimal?

Marily (836) 15 Feb 2006 07:36 AM

Your viewpoint did get me thinking. Still, the facts are (I've done the research) that children do better with a mother and a father. If THAT is the goal, then we should be working towards strengthening marriage and families, and NOT expanding the definition of family.

You use the same criteria when comparing straight parents to gay parents, when the fundamental difference, of course, is that the gay parents cannot have children of their own. (Actually, most children raised by homosexuals come from divorced parents--meaning the parent with custody was previously in a heterosexual marriage. Only a small percentage of homosexuals have actually adopted other children.) Whenever someone wishes to adopt, they are definitely scrutinized. You CAN and SHOULD prevent someone from adopting children if they are not deemed adequate. You CANNOT prevent someone from having a child if they physically are able to. Adoption is a totally different ballgame. A teenage girl would not be allowed to adopt a child, although no one can BAN her from getting pregnant and having a child exept herself--it's just impossible.

Jody Moreen (3274) 15 Feb 2006 11:53 AM

As an adopted person I agree with Marily that children do better with a mother and father. And I also agree with her that we should be focused on strengthening families and not expanding the definition of family that God ordained. I often hear the debate of how messed up marriages are and dysfunctional and yet I have observed that homosexual unions face the same relational stresses, struggles and failed relationships. I have a brother-in-law who is gay and he has been in and out of relationships for the last 30 years- has had 4 partners.My husband and I have been married for 28 years. And many of my brother-in-laws former partners have been through a revolving door of relationships. I don't perceive stability in this for adopted children. As an adoptee there are enough emotional hurdles to climb. I was adopted into a loving family with a mom and dad who were married 55 years before my father passed away. Even in light of that I had many questions of identity and why someone would chose to place me for adoption. Adoptees, like most children, do not want to be "different" and adoption was different and at times I felt the sting of it. And to add on the stigma of being adopted and having gay parents ads more issues, confusion and judgement from outsiders (and especially if the partners separate or change -more loss issues for the adoptee) I don't care how you slice it, there is alot of prejudice against gay unions and the child is going to feel the pressure of this and confusion as they grow up- cannot be escaped in society. I am so glad I did not have that added hurdle of identity issues and sorting out issues of my parent's union or marriage! I felt so much stability in my family and no added stigma due to my parent's marriage.I also did not have to wrestle as a teen, young adult with my own sexual identity in light of my parents choices, our Christian faith and society's responses.

Aimee Amodio (11995) 15 Feb 2006 04:47 PM

I think that these days it's rare to see any family in the "optimal" situation -- isn't it something like 1 in 3 marriages ending in divorce these days?

To me, the important thing is having a child in a LOVING household, regardless of whether it is a single parent family, a hetero or homosexual couple, or whatever.

Length of relationship and gender of members doesn't necessarily equal Good Family -- my father's parents were married for more than 50 years and my grandfather was an abusive (physically and verbally) alchoholic. It has negatively affected my father and his relationship with me and my brother.

Physical ability to have children (man + woman) does not necessarily make you a better parent. It doesn't automatically make that couple the best thing for raising a child. But unfortunately it's going to be a long time before society is as accepting of that as I am. I'm with you, Nicki, instead of trying to force everyone to fit the "ideal", I think society needs to change. Because the ideal is very rare these days!

And, as a friend of mine said, apparently Ohio would rather see children in orphanages than in non-traditional families. Way to go, Ohio. Glad I don't live there.

mcmama (51978) 21 Feb 2006 03:09 PM

I worked in a child care center where we had several lesbian couples who adopted special needs and international children. These women were really great moms, and did a fabulous job. Some lesbian parents also had their own biological children.

Generally, the maturity, stability, and intentionality of becoming an adoptive parent is the major criteria.

I know gay people who are terrible biological parents - self centered, adult centered, abusive. And I know some who are pretty good at it. Sexuality does not really predict who will be a good parent - the ability to accept responsibility and commit to a stable family unit is more important.

Anna Glendenning (4234) 21 Feb 2006 10:50 PM

I feel this is a wonderful debate. First let me say, that as far as parenting is concerned I have no problem with same sex parenting or the lifestyle in general.

The Issue to me is in fact the Children and one point many people fail to understand is that Children who are old enough to express their own opinion are often given the right to do so...Especially with State or Foster to Adopt children.

We adopted our siblings when Makala was five and Jeremiah was one year old. Our daughter was asked what she wanted her forever family to be like. She requested: A big Sister, a Cat and a Swing Set....

Before, we could go meet our children my husband, oldest son and all the neighbors spent a weekend during a snow storm building our daughters Swing Set... The state would NOT allow us to even meet her without her wish being granted.

I believe that it is fine to Want to be a Parent but, that considering the childs dream and epectations about the family they want is FAR more important than How the Adults feel.

Children in the Foster Care System have been Hurt--have Lost their biological families and in many cases have lived with multiple caregivers. These children are in many cases very hurt and need families that meet their expectations at least on some of the surface issues.

In order to Ask a Child in Foster Care if they would want same sex parents, information and acceptance would be very important. Foster children have so many issues to overcome, I frankly feel that for some children the added stress and differences of being in a non-traditional family could be more stress then the CHILD should face.

I have asked my now eight year old daughter what she would have thought if her forever parents had been two mom's or two dad's and I will not write here what her reaction to this question really was. I can say, that ANY Parent who adopted my daughter would have some real issues to help her over come and honsetly I do not think this child could have ever dealt with a same sex parenting situation.

Those who feel Adoption is All about the Child...need to respect the childs feelings first. When a child is old enough to say, "I want two mom's" or "I want to dad's" then I have no problem with adoptive placement of Foster Children.

Same sex parents should want the same thing I do for children leaving Foster Care. In this situation we are not talking about newborn babies who can grow into and accept the life they always remember.

This is just how I feel about the issue having adopted two children from the Foster Care System, which is the point of this blog.

Thanks For sharing this information with everyone.

Kevin (1275) 04 Apr 2006 01:02 AM

Another issue that seems to get forgotten is the mental impact on the child when their parents are gay -- not because they're gay, but because other children are cruel. Even if the parents were the best parents in the world, it's not going to stop kids from being mean to one another over it.

Aimee Amodio (11995) 04 Apr 2006 01:51 PM

But Kevin -- kids are going to be mean to each other regardless! You shouldn't rule out same-sex parents just because other children will be mean!

Samual (11722) 12 Mar 2008 03:01 PM

Someone has said gay parenting is a problem due to cruel children, but I very much doubt anyone would say, you can't be a parent is you are chubby, you can't be a parent if you are gingeras it will clearly lead to your child being bullied. The childs ignorance and cruelty is the problem, to suggest it is the problem of the parent is rediculous. The problem is a badly parented child who believes it is ok to hurt others, other people should not be punished for anothers ignorance.

My husband is a social worker and we used to have children who were in care stay with us some weekends so they could get at least some stability by getting to know two people, one being their social worker quite well. So they had someone they could always rely on and talk if they so wished. You don't realise how lonely alot of children in care are until you actually see the lives they are living.

It does make me angry when people would rather a child be in care than with good parents, if they understood what it is like to be in care, they would have to be heartless to still believe having loving parents of the same sex is wrong. Obviously is a child is used to having a mum or a dad, that probably is not a good situation to place a child with gay parents, unless the child is confident about it as otherwise it would be too stressful, or the simply would refuse to live with them. Now a baby or a very young toddler is different, clearly they will know they are different, but are far as family is concerned there are so many different situations that it isn't looked down on to be different, only 10 years ago it was considered horrific to be a single mother.

The whole thing is dependant on the childs situation and the adults ability to be parents, not what is inbetween their legs. I live in england, there are virtually no hurdles for gay people, I would actually be shocked to recieve abuse or anything at all for being gay. Not once in my life have I recieved any negativety or cruelty because I am gay.

Our three children were all adopted from care, our two oldest boys had been abused physically by their parents so we fosted them until adoption, they are 2 and 4. Our youngest was given up by her mother as a baby, so we started fostering her in november when she was 6 weeks old and we are going through all the legal procedures to hopefully adopt her.

I think one big misconception is that any gay person wanted to be a parent, is going to be a parent. I think if people saw it's about being a good parent, there would be less bad press in countries such as america where there is alot of homophobia. Though some gay people have been known to claim they are being discriminate when they fail the requirements and interviews for adoptions.

One thing I do agree about that article though, is that with any adoption gay, straight single parent. It is never a desicion made on a wim, it is a long hard process you have to take alot of tests, undergo police tests and have many interviews, before they even consider you as a parent. It does cost quite a bit of money, but you can get help with the legal fees as alot of people would not be able to afford them, ours with our first son cost £4200. We were on the adoption 'list' for one and a half years before we were matched with our son, then he was with us a year and a half when the adoption became legal. Not only that but fostering a child for even fours years to become their legal parents, does not mean the adoption will be approved in court, it is a scary process. But definately worth it. Then again that article made naturally conceived children seem to be made out of a mistake, the article does seem quite biased and anti-normal.

PrideEvents2008 (5) 18 Sep 2008 11:47 AM

Hi, came across this blog and I thought this may be useful to anyone who is gay and considering parenting options.

My company is holding an event on Sept. 23, 2008 from 7-8:30 p.m. at the Pride Center of NJ (321 Raritan Ave. Highland Park NJ) called "You Can Have a Baby". The event will feature three of the U.S.'s leading experts in gay parenting and will provide legal, medical, psychological and emotional advice for any gay men or lesbian interested in having a baby. I understand this is a sensitive but important issue for anyone in the gay community. If you'd like more information or to discuss, please contact me at slizzo@berrypr.com.

Thanks!