Is Johnny Too Young For A Girlfriend?

by Nicki Bradley | More from this Blogger

04 Mar 2006 11:00 AM

It seems like kids are "dating" at a younger and younger age. Although the age of puberty is also decreasing, slowly, it seems like there is more to this seemingly trendy desire for kids to "date". I think it's nurture, in this case, not nature!

So when your third grader comes home and announcing that he is now "going out with" Mary, from school, should you be concerned?

I say yes, but maybe not how you are thinking.

Often a parent's first inclination is to put arbitrary restrictions on a situation that may be entirely innocent: "No Johnny, you are too young to have a girlfriend. You can't date until you are 14". I think this is a big mistake that well-meaning parents make out of fear. It isn't a huge leap to fear that a child who is 9 years old and seeking out a "boyfriend" is going to be the child who, at 15 years old, is pregnant! I know we, as parents, tend to jump to this conclusion. But, quite often, it is the child who is arbitrarily told to stay away from the opposite sex entirely until they reach some magical age that end up taking dangerous and secretive sexual risks. It is a case of forbidden fruit. When children enter puberty, especially, their hormones are in overdrive at the same time they are developing a heightened desire for independence. Arbitrary rules restricting the opposite sex tend to create kids who seek the opposite sex more than ever - the forbidden fruit!

But we aren't even talking about adolescents here. We are talking about those in elementary school who come home "in love". What is this about? It's not hormones. THIS is what I think we, as parents, should be concerned about.

It seems to me that there is at least a medium amount of peer pressure going on here. Johnny isn't the only one with a girlfriend in his class! Everyone is "hooking up". It is a new kind of "clique", a new way to feel included - or excluded. I don't think it is truly a sexually -driven or even romantically-driven phenomenon. It's just the same old peer pressure in a new form.

Compare notes with your child's teacher or other parents. Is your child just trying to fit in? If so, let your child call this new relationship anything he or she wants but feel free to treat it like any other friendship. You might invite the other child over for dinner, hang out (as a family) at the movies or whatever you would ordinarily allow your child's (same gender) friends to do. Drawing too much attention to or away from this relationship will be making more of it than your child probably considered and may confuse your child or the situation that was originally very innocent. Meanwhile, plant the seeds of strength that help children combat peer pressure. Remind your child that no other person can make you feel complete - that is something each of us have to find from within.

If you find out that your child seems unnaturally driven to "connect" to the opposite sex, compared with his or her peers, it is time to take a deeper look at what is going on. Some questions to ask are:

• Does my child have a self-esteem issue to the point that they don't find value in themselves unless others find "official" value in them?
• Is my child looking to replace a missing relationship in his/her life? Some children who grow up without an opposite sex parent active in their lives look, too young and too often, to replace that relationship with peers of the opposite sex.
• Has my child been inappropriately exposed to too many sexual or romantic themes via media or otherwise? It isn't unusual for children to act out any confusion they feel from inappropriate exposure, accidental or otherwise, to sexual themes.

If a young child seems particularly consumed with sexuality or romance for their age, it is a good idea to speak with a therapist to assure that your child is where he or she needs to be in that area.

Learn more about Nicki Bradley

I live in the suburbs of Detroit and I'm happily re-married with six children (3 his, 2 mine, 1 ours) ranging in age from 3.5 to 12.

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stephaza (5) 04 Nov 2007 08:01 PM

Ms. Bradley, I completely agree with your point that children are dating earlier and earlier. I especially agree with your point that the "magical age" is only making matters worse. From my own life, I have noticed from one case in particular that the magical age leads to family struggle and actual relationship problems. A friend of mine was told "no dating until your 15;" in my opinion, 15 is beginning to push the limits for dating, but still is a fair age. The boy was fine until about 12-13 when rebellion started to kick in. His parents mandate only brought temptation into the picture and forced family strife. Even though children are dating unacceptably early, the "magic age" solution is ineffective and detrimental.

Valorie Delp (49340) 05 Nov 2007 03:45 AM

How about not allowing your children to date?

Kontraband (5) 18 Nov 2007 06:24 PM

In response to your comment, Valorie, many children will try to find away around this type of restriciton, if htey feel an attraction strong enough. I know for sure that I do. While at school, or during a lunch time, most kids will try to find a way to spend time with this significant other. and plus, "dating", no longer refers to taking the girl out on dates. It could just be emotional interaction at school, or online, or over the phone. We will always find a way around restrictions like this. its in our system, its part of our nature.

Valorie Delp (49340) 19 Nov 2007 04:41 AM

I won't allow my children to date. I think it has much more to do with one's training from their parents than it does to do with uncontrollable urges. Self control can be taught, as can respect for authority, as can certain rules about dating and relationships. Personally, we will not allow our children to date because we feel that it tarnishes the marital relationship later in life. It leaves one emotionally in parts rather than in a whole. We expect our children to approach marriage with an entirely different mind set than most people do. But thanks for your comment.