Is Your Method of Discipline Working?

Julie Gentry (5915) 09 Jan 2007 01:23 PM

"The researchers recommended that discipline be addressed by pediatricians when parents bring their kids in for routine visits." Does that raise a red flag for anyone else? Guess what method is certain to be 'recommended' by most pediatricians? Yep, the one that covers their tush legally.

For us, we used many of the principles of Growing Kids Gods Way. I say "many" because, like anything else, you take what works for you and toss the rest. There's a balance, and that fulcrum changes as they get older. When mine were four or five, I expected unchallenged obedience. On the few occasions there wasn't, immediate discipline was meted out. At fourteen and fifteen, the same rules do not necessarily apply (though I certainly would spank my fifteen year old if it was warranted). The goal is SELF-discipline. The closer they get to that, the less outside discipline needs to be applied. I'm happy to say that three of my four are pretty close to ideal. We were less strict with the youngest (now ten) and it shows. lol.

Time-outs don't work for most children. The natural consequences do, but some are too heavy to bear (think of the natural consequence of your 15 year old hanging around with an unhappily married man). I do like the removal of privileges; for the older kids, especially. The key with any method is consistency, and to build in that actions have consequences (good and bad). We spank for defiance (passive or overt direct disobedience) and for safety issues. We remove privileges for bickering and things like that. One thing that my mom told me, and has worked pretty well is WRITING. Most boys hate the physical aspect of writing. So it's a good deterrent. The occasional inappropriate word (things like 'freaking' in my house are not allowed) gets the offender ten synonyms to look up in the dictionary and write down. The 'mean-words-to-your-little-sister' net ten sentences telling what you like about her.

Every child is different, though, and you have to tailor what works. When my 12 year old is in a hormonal mood, he loses the privilege to talk to me for an hour. For some kids, that would be a blessing! For him, it's a very effective tool.

I know what works. But I also know that you have the right to do with your children as you see fit. That a pediatrician who sees them twice a year would 'recommend' a method strikes me as the proverbial foot in the door.

Valorie Delp (49340) 09 Jan 2007 08:45 PM

Julie. . .yes and no. I totally see your point but my pediatrician routinely asks about discipline. Where I live, this is an important part of health care. . .and yes, that is sad. . .but that's the way it is. Bad parenting skills abound and pediatricians can be a line of defense against a child who is being verbally and emotionally abused.

My pedi asks in a way that leaves me a lot of freedom to both be honest and to not tell her everything. (I'm pretty sure she knows we spank anyways--we just don't talk about it.) She doesn't recommend anything beyond encouraging us to be consistent but is supportive of what we do.

Julie Gentry (5915) 10 Jan 2007 03:47 AM

We have "Dr. Duty" -- military healthcare. Our current physician is a conservative Christian homeschooler who is a family friend. No worries. But I took my son in once for leg cramps, and got some new-agey doctor who told me I needed to let him "embrace the pain" and that the cramps were all in his mind and they were my fault for coddling him. D'oh (it turned out to be pronation according to the orthopedist).

Your doctor's recommendation to be consistent is probably not what the researchers have in mind. Things like this are progressive. First it will be an innocent comment, then it will be written down how you discipline, and then it will be 'you should', then 'you must'.

We have friends who are in the middle of a lawsuit against a children's hospital and a social worker. They accused the mother of poisoning her and beating her because she had an extremely elevated blood level of some chemical or something and a bruise on her legs, and when asked, the daughter told them that she regularly was spanked. Repeated requests for a retest and another social worker went unheeded. They removed the daughter from her home. She finally got a sympathetic judge who ordered a retesting. Turns out the hospital had a DECIMAL PLACE off. Traumatized the little girl and the family. They'll win. They've already been offered a substantial settlement. Knowing the mother, she'll probably push for punitive and public damages so they won't do it to anyone else. Unless a child presents with an INJURY, it's not the pediatrician's place to talk about discipline. Period. No matter how innocent.

This is a telling comment: "If a parent feels that their method of discipline is not working, they will quickly let their emotions take over. So if time-out is not working, a parent might resort to yelling or spanking." Resort to spanking? Let their emotions take over? Can you spell BIAS? A proper spanking is not a 'resort' nor is it the result of a parent who has lost control.

Valorie Delp (49340) 10 Jan 2007 06:22 AM

Julie--I agree with you. In our house the spanking is the consquence for certain actions. . .not the 'last resort'. And I see your point. I also see in my neighborhood the need for people to intervene with these young moms who lack parenting skills. Perhaps the doctor's office is not the place to do it. . .but I see why 'researchers' would say so. I hope your friends gets full punitive damages as well as a hefty settlement and a public apology and whatever else they can throw at her.