Letting Our Kids Be Different From Us

by Kori Rodley Irons | More from this Blogger

29 Dec 2006 11:27 AM

When kids are small, they want to be just like mom and dad. They follow us around and mimic our speech and actions--it's quite easy to get caught up in all the adoration and obvious similarities. But as kids grow, and adolescence kicks in, their striving for an identity of their own may seem incredibly reactionary--anything and everything that is NOT mom or dad. It can be a little painful for us to accept the transition of the teenager and allow them to actually develop an identity that feels like the complete opposite of everything we are.

It takes a little grieving and pretty tough skin to allow nature to take its course. It's completely age-appropriate for teens to want to be different from their parents. In extreme cases it might appear as rebellion, but it doesn't have to be. We parents don't have to give our kids an unbending authority to rebel against. While every child is different, I believe it is possible to stay connected with our teens, while letting go and accepting that they may not embrace everything we hold true, valuable and sacred. Besides, I've been promised by those who've gone before me that they (meaning our children) will come back and while their lives will definitely be their own, they will most likely come to appreciate at least some of the qualities of their parents and the things we represent.

It's one thing to know in our heads that our kids are going to be their own independent beings--it's another thing to feel the emotions as our kids pull away and turn against the individuals we parents have worked so hard to become. Hang in there, it's only temporary, and it's entirely necessary. The road to independence means that identifying with mom and dad has to go--and we parents are challenged with understanding and accepting the teenager's need to be different and self-contained (with the safety of mom and dad standing by.)

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Andrea Hermitt (5517) 29 Dec 2006 10:40 AM

I agree, different is not wrong. My 12 year old has trouble accepting ideas different from his our even ours... I hope I can get this through to him before he starts becoming independant or he will be very conflicted.