Should You Discipline Other People's Children?

Valorie Delp (44221) 06 Nov 2006 01:38 PM

Very good blog Myra! It's an interesting question because where we live, in this particular culture, it is acceptable to discipline another's child much more so than say at my in-laws. In fact, if my friend's son was, let's say, throwing a ball in the house. . .she would expect me to say something and do something if he refused to listen to me. It would be poor manners to go to her unless I had exhausted all available options (which would include spanking if needed.) However, if my own nephew were doing the same thing I would have to go get his parent.

Personally I try to avoid discipline problems by keeping them entertained! They stay for no more than one or two hours and that's that. Thus far, we have had no problems. . .but you know I don't want to discipline someone else's child.

Linda Hansen (1802) 06 Nov 2006 02:25 PM

I follow rule #1 when other children are at my home. If we don't do it, they can't do it. All house rules apply to anyone in my house, including adults. It is, after all, my home and my rules. I approach it as you stated, we don't or we do..... I have never had a problem with kids following my rules while here. They are usually polite and behave properly. The boys know better than to bring an unruly kid to the house. We did have a little boy over for dinner one night, and when we started to say grace before eating, he became nervous and said he didn't do that at home. I didn't have to say a word, Randy immediately told him, kindly, we do that here, no big deal. We also had 2 brothers visiting one time (ages 13 and 9), they began to argue in the kitchen and one took a punch at the other. Uncle P was home and immediately stopped it, informing them quietly and fomidably, we do nothit each other....ever. They both apologized and never did it again. Art

Nicole Humphrey (15731) 06 Nov 2006 02:43 PM

Terrific article Myra. I've been on both sides of the coin - meaning, I've been chastised by another parent for saying something to her child. She was being mean and I called her on it. She went home and told her mom that I was yelling at her and the mother came and yelled at me. *sigh* Whatever. However, more recently I had the opportunity (or rather decision) to voice my opinion to another child. We attended a dance at my childrens elementary school for Halloween. Families and children were everywhere. All of a sudden my daughter comes to me and is in tears. A boy in her class had taken her crown which was a part of her costume and wouldn't give it back. I told her to try again to get it back. I watched her sulk off and again confront him. She tried three times to get it back before completely breaking down. It was disgusting to me that another child could watch my child cry and be hurt and not even care that he was the cause of it. Regardless of why, I got up, made my way through the crowds of children to come face to face with him at the other end. Very quickly he realized I was her mother (by the way - these are third graders) and he pointed out in the hallway. I said "Where is it?" he replied "out there". I told him he could march his butt (yes I believe I used that term) out there and get it and bring it back to her. He did and I was disgusted to not only receive the crown back from this little boy, but it was broken. My daughter of course was devastated. I waited until Monday, contacted the teacher and requested that either she get in touch with the boys family and have them contact me, or I would like to speak to the parents. When I finally did get to speak to the parents, both were more than accomodating and accepting of how I handled and both said they wished I had told them that night. (as if I knew who they were!) Anyway, the boy has been much nicer since my daughter's MOM "yelled" at him. LOL I don't have any problem directing a child to do the right thing without laying a hand on them. I also don't see why it's a problem for another adult to point out a wrong doing and correct it. Discipline is so open ended now that it's hard to determine what's ok and what isn't. Being forceful VERBALLY is not assualt and to me is far more effective than striking a child in my opinion. GREAT article. I'd still prefer to not have to discipline anyone to be honest. LOL

Julie Gentry (5734) 07 Nov 2006 12:24 AM

First, Nicole, a proper spanking is not "striking a child." That's inflammatory language, and purposely worded that way. That aside, I wouldn't spank another person's child. It's usurping their parental authority. I expect other people to reprimand mine when they're out of line. With very few exceptions, I haven't given them the right to spank mine.

We have the house all the kids want to be at. If they don't follow the rules, they go home. Once they know the rules, there are no warnings, no cajoling, no excuses. Follow them or go home. Minor stuff can be handled with a verbal reprimand, but anything against house rules means a trip home.

When they're outside and another child is being unkind, I'll let the offending child know he's lost the privilege to play with mine that day, and mine come inside until he's gone. Households have different rules, and children understand that. Words that we consider inappropriate for children are routinely tossed about by some of the others. Levels of modesty differ, too. As do actions that are considered disrespectful. My neighbor's household rules aren't going to change because I reprimand her children. But they DO need to respect our rules when they're in our house, yard, or playing with my darlings :-).

Teresa McEntire (2984) 07 Nov 2006 10:35 AM

My sister-in-law gets extremely upset if we say anything to her children. For example when we were doing a pinata my husband reminded her boys ages 8 and 10 to make sure they let the littler kids get some candy their were 6 children under the age of 6. My sister-in-law got mad at my husband and told him that she would tell her kids what to do. On the other hand my sister and I freely discipline eachother's kids when together. We feel like whoever was there and say the situation should handle it. If other kids are at my house they obey our rules. If they don't then they get to go home.

babydawn (7008) 07 Nov 2006 11:10 AM

This has been an interesting article. I haven't really thought about it much. I have verbally told kids to behave themselves that were not mine... but that is a rareity as I don't very often see other kids misbehaving.

I DO have a BIG problem with people diciplining my kids when I am sitting (or standing) right there. If they saw something that I didn't then okay, let me know and I will deal with it. However, if my children are misbehaving and I am not around, I would expect a responsible adult to call them on their behavior.

Catherine Ipcizade (5617) 07 Nov 2006 11:19 AM

I agree, Babydawn--I have a real problem with people disciplining my children if I'm right there. If I think there is a problem, I'll handle it. Likewise, I would never discipline someone else's child if their parent was right there. I do think we have the right to discipline other people's kids if they are in our care, but that never means spanking. I've had to put my neice in time-out before but she's as close to me as my daughter. If a friend's children were in my care, I'd verbally tell them what's expected then as a last resort I'd resort to a time out.

Catherine Ipcizade (5617) 07 Nov 2006 11:19 AM

Keep in mind I live in an apartment, so no kids are just "dropping by." In this instance, I wouldn't give time outs.

Julie Gentry (5734) 14 Jan 2007 03:51 AM

I'll reprimand other people's children when they are there -- if they've had the chance to do it, and do nothing. I do this with complete strangers in the store, even. :-) I was in the commissary the other day with a child who was acting like a complete MONSTER in line. He was probably 8 or 9 years old, whining, saying mean things to his mother (who did nothing), grabbing stuff. You know the type. I finally got fed up with her inaction (cajoling) and had a couple of stern words with him. I told him that if he didn't stop badgering his mother and put his hand on the cart right now that I was going to have the store manager remove him. He shut up and put his hand on the basket. No further problems. Especially with families where dad is gone, moms get overwhelmed and don't always know what to do. I have yet to have a mother get upset with me over it.

The key is that they have to believe you mean it.

tommyflattop (5) 18 May 2007 06:08 PM

This is going to sound as cynical as it gets.

We are getting what we asked for when we ceased to be a community and left our front porches to go inside, close our doors and become isolationists.

American society has become so prone to resort to litigation, so indulgent, ultra-protective and trusting of their children, and so distrusting of other people that one is really taking a risk to even speak to another's child in passing, much less to correct them under any circumstances. This has become true even of people in public trust positions such as teachers and coaches; and yes, I realize that some people in public trust positions have violated that trust in the past. That makes it no less ridiculous and no less a tragedy that the general public has now withdrawn that trust.

Many people will resort to calling the police for harmless pranks in which children may engage during Halloween, graduation night, or at any other time. They don't feel comfortable correcting their neighbor's child or even confronting their neighbor about their children's misbehavior.

Even most people in public trust positions are reluctant to really correct children because of fears of litigation by some parent who feels their authority has been somehow threatened or challenged, or that their most trustworthy child's integrity has been questioned.

Teachers are subjected to background investigations to certify their trustworthiness. How many kids have gone through that kind of scrutiny? Still, many parents will insist that their kid wouldn't lie. Teachers are also put into positions of responsibility for, and authority over children. However, that authority is no longer equal to the level of responsiblity they have. Most teachers must refer children to the school administration for any real punishment (even then, I seriously question how much is happening to a child that most of us would agree is enough punishment to curb inappropriate behavior, even with the full written consent of parents.) At any rate, those referrals are time consuming and cumbersome, so many teachers let most things for which kids should be punished go unpunished. Remember, punishment is designed to improve behavior. Allowing a child to go unpunished for inappropriate conduct only reinforces to the child that he or she is not answerable for his or her conduct. Increased incidences of inappropriate conduct inevitably ensue under those conditions. That leads to a need for an increased security presence in the school. Why do you think so many schools have security guards or school resource officers assigned by local law enforcement departments? They're not there to protect the student body or faculty from outside threats. They're there to enforce school rules of conduct because too many children have been conditioned to believe they are not answerable to the authority of appointed school officials, but only to their parents and/or law enforcement.

Obviously, not all parents are prone to such irrational behavior, but many are, and enough courts acquiese to these irrational parents and their unreasonable demands to make attempts at correcting anyone else's children a very risky proposition. One dare not, even as a person in a public trust position, and certainly not as a private citizen, risk the wrath of the offended parent by disciplining their child.

There have always been parents like that too, but only in recent years have our institutions (such as police departments, social services, courts, school boards, and sports leagues) given them so much creedence and allowed them to make miserable the lives of anyone who interacts with their children in any way they personally don't like by dragging them in front of some adjuticative body to account for their actions. You never know how reasonable or unreasonable one of those adjuticative bodies may be, so why risk it?

There will come a day (is it here already?) when the adult community will say: "Cross me you ten-year-old kid and I'll call the law on you. Why? Because I know if I cross you there is a better than average chance that your parents will call the law on me."

When I started this diatribe, I said it would sound as cynical as it gets, but can anyone rationally disagree with me? In this day and age, you are taking a great risk if you discipline someone else's kid. Chances are you will not get thanked by a parent grateful to you for taking enough interest in the welfare of their child to take time to correct them, even if they are in your charge. It will just as likely get you prosecuted in criminal court and/or sued in civil court. And, unfortunately, it is just as likely that you will lose in court as it is that you will win. Either way, why risk it and wind up in court defending your actions? If parents want unilateral authority over their children exclusive of law enforcement that's fine with me. However, they will also have to accept unilateral responsibility for their children. Don't ask me to help you look out for your children. I'll not take responsibility without commensurate authority. "Cross me you ten-year-old kid and I'll call the law on you."

Tommy

Valorie Delp (44221) 19 May 2007 06:11 AM

Just a friendly reminder to keep comments brief. We have forums here too, to have more lengthy discussions.

Meltowne (1120) 09 Jul 2007 10:26 AM

I agree with rule #1 - and it applies everywhere. When my kids are home, they live by my rules, and anyone else's rules are irrelevant. Any kids (and adults too) that are visiting must live by my house rules.

I do give time-outs to other kids at my house - but not the same kind I give to my kids. My kids spend time-out at the dinner table, or somewhere away from the fun. Other kids go home for their time outs, which usually last the rest of the day. They don't have to live by my rules, but they don't have to play in my yard either. Anyone who sasses me and makes a point of not following the house rules cannot be invited back until he or she appologizes and ensures they understand the house rules.

As for schools, don't get me started. The teachers are fine, as far as they are allowed to take things, but most discipline is done by administrators. Some are great, others... they only care if there's physical evidence. Zero tolerance when they want it.