Spanking or Hitting?by Nicki Bradley | More from this Blogger 03 Apr 2006 10:15 AM Spanking, slapping, swatting, hitting, beating. Is one better than another? Aren't they all just the same variation on a theme? I've heard the arguments; I've listened to the justifications. I understand it is open to interpretation. Some parents think those words represent a huge spectrum of actions against the child ranging from the necessary to the abusive. Some parents see them all as the same. I've heard parents threaten their child with a "beating" or suggest "If you don't stop right now, I'm gonna beat your butt," or other even less pleasant threats. Whether they follow through or even intend to follow through, clearly these parents see beating and spanking in the same light. I've heard parents who claim that their spankings are limited only to the buttocks and are not intended to cause pain and definitely not marks. These parents don't consider spanking to be a form of violence and they consider the consequence of the spanking to be positive, not negative. Spanking is a good form of behavior modification, they say. I have to say, when I tell my child to stop hitting his brother and he turns around and pushes or bites him instead, I get pretty upset. I'm not big on loopholes. I expect that my children understand that when I say "no hitting," I mean "no aggressive behavior, period." They test their limits as toddlers but, for the most part, they know better. And they are children. I feel the same way about the justifications that parents use for spanking. Parents don't hit children - it is against the law; it is called child abuse. But, just because a parent puts rules or limits around the word "hitting" in order to call it a new word, "spanking", to justify why it is better or different than the word "hitting" doesn't necessarily make it all that different. Why do people hit? They feel out of control, they have anger management issues, they can't relay or work through their feelings in appropriate ways, they have a desire to seek revenge or punish someone for any myriad of reasons, they want to "teach a lesson" and to strike fear in the victim. Why do parents spank? They have lost control, some spank out of anger, others spank because they have a desire to punish the child for any myriad of reasons, they want the child to feel fearful and they want to "teach a lesson". The reasons behind any form of violence are pretty universal whether we call that violence hitting or spanking. Spanking is intended to teach a lesson. It DOES teach a lesson. The lesson, a parent hopes, is "I should think twice before doing xyz in the future." However, we know enough about human nature to understand that we humans don't learn that way. Instead we learn "I better make sure I don't get caught next time," or "Hitting is ok," or "When I do xyz, I get spanked," or even "I hate her for spanking me, I did nothing wrong!" - none of which are useful lessons. None of these lessons act to strengthen a child's internal barometer of right and wrong, good and bad, self-control or self-discipline. So, is it a healthy parenting goal to strive to teach our children to fear us? Is this ok? What happens when we aren't around? What happens when they are grown and on their own and they no longer fear us? What will be the internal compass that guides them toward right and wrong? Do we really beleive that simply fearing authority is enough to make a person fundamentally kind, honest, trustworthy, virtuous, moral and ethical? When has hitting ever been an answer? It isn't. And, spanking, we have learned, is not an answer either. Whether they are the same or not, one is not better than the other. Learn more about Nicki Bradley  I live in the suburbs of Detroit and I'm happily re-married with six children (3 his, 2 mine, 1 ours) ranging in age from 3.5 to 12. Relevantparenting tags User Comments  WordsAplenty (4029) 03 Apr 2006 05:33 PMOne of your best, Nicki! We know that kids are sponges, that they learn from what they see. Why is it so surprising when kids who are spanked hit others? That's what they see; that's what they learn. They learn to exert their authority on those who are smaller or weaker. They learn that we get our way by hitting.  Heather Long (16954) 03 Apr 2006 05:49 PMI agree and disagree on levels. Spanking is considered an extreme consequence, something akin to the difference between having your license suspended and going to jail. When I was growing up, my grandmother was pretty strict, but she was also fair. I try to be the same way. I give my daughter options to make better choices. But sometimes, deprivation of privileges, items and even company will work. Sometimes talking doesn't work. Sometimes, three firm swats gets their attention in a manner nothing else will. It's not a perfect system. I prefer to avoid it if I can. My daughter is rarely spanked and she is never spanked in anger. In fact, when I'm actually ANGRY at her, I send her to her room and tell her to wait. We need to both cool down before we can talk or deal with the situation. More than half the time, the 30 minute cooling period does wonders for both of us and spanking doesn't even enter into it. A long time ago, a person told me the day you start YELLING in a disagreement is the moment you lost. So I avoid the yelling, I avoid the spanking, but I have spanked her and she is the first one to tell you that she will never run off in a store again because she could get hurt and it scares Mommy -- and it gets her a spanking. The last being the biggest reason she won't do it. My two cents.  Shoshanna Grey (2785) 03 Apr 2006 07:38 PMWhile I understand where you are coming from, Misty, I would have to say that all kids hit - those who are spanked and those who are not. Hitting, biting, etc have nothing to do with spanking or not. These are behaviors that kids figure out will work and they do it until it stops working for them, or the consequences are worse (like being in time out., losing a favorite toy, or receiving a spanking). I do agree that spanking should be used in moderation and I am not sure if we will spank our kids or not. I think it is probably best to avoid it as much as possible. However, I don't think it is fair to lump a parent who is in control and spanks her child in a proper, calm manner, with a parent who beats on their child in a fit of rage. WordsAplenty (4029) 03 Apr 2006 09:24 PMHeather, I agree with much of want you said. And I can't say I have never spanked. It is something that I try to never, ever do, but I've had my moments. Rachel, I understand your point, too. Yes, kids do hit, bite, and kick. But how can a parent tell the child NOT to do those things if the parent does them?  Pattie Hughes |
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